Just Released: Transcript of last FÖMC meeting
New York City, NY - CNBC Anchor: After a series of lackluster economic reports, the FÖMC has assembled in Washington,D.C. for a meeting with famed financier and Federal Reserve Chairman, Kevin Warsh. And luckily for us, readAI was rolling.
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Kevin Warsh [speaking to the FÖMC]: Alright, guys. I think we're ready to lay down an epic dot-plot. By the way, my name is Kevin Warsh, yes, the Kevin Warsh. And I gotta tell you, you all have got what it takes to be a dynamite team!
Neel Kashkari: Coming from you Kevin, that means alot.
Paul Volcker: Yeah, I mean, you're Kevin Warsh.
Alan Greenspan: This is incredible.
Ben Bernanke: I can't believe Kevin Warsh likes us.
Kevin Warsh: Guys..I put my pants on just like the rest of you, one leg at time...except once my pants are on, I make gold prices rise!
FÖMC: [laughing]
Kevin Warsh: Alright, here we go, let's take a vote on a 25bps rate cut - "Don't Fear The Dot Plot" Take one.
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(Background voices - Jerome Powell annoying other FÖMC members for a 50bps rate cut.)
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Kashkari: Wait! Wait! Kevin, can you jump in here for a minute?
Warsh: That was going to be a great vote, what's the deal?
Kashkari: Are you sure about a 25bps rate cut?
Warsh: I'll be honest fellas. That 'Dot-Plot' was looking great but I could've used a little more -bps. So let's vote again, and Jerome, really explore the global economic impact this time.
Jerome Powell: You got it, Kevin!
Warsh: I mean REALLY explore the global economic impact. I like what you're sayin'! Vote.
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[Elevated voices in background - Jerome Powell really annoying FÖMC members and saying how much Kevin likes him and how they should vote for a 100bps rate cut.]
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Kashkari: Wait! STOP! Kevin, can you get back in here?!
Warsh: Fellas, you've just wasted 2 good hours. This last Dot-Plot was even better than the first.
Kashkari: It's just that I find Jerome's 100bps rate cut gross and distracting. I don't know, if I'm the only one, I'll just shut up.
Volcker: No, it's pretty rough.
Powell: I can dial back the -bps a little if you'd like?
Warsh: Not too much though. I'm telling you fellas, you're gonna want that rate cut on the Dot-Plot.
Powell: No, that's fine. Let's just do this vote.
Warsh: Let's vote.
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[background: Powell overheard sounding like an impetuous child not getting his way...tables and chairs crashing]
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Kashkari: Come on, Jerome!
Powell: No! You come on!
Warsh [enters room]: That, that..doesn't work for me. I gotta have more -bps!
Greenspan: Don't blow this news conference for us, Jerome!
Bernanke: Quit being so dovish Jerome!
Powell: Can I just say one thing?
Warsh: Say it, baby! Just say it!
Powell: I'm standing here staring at finance legend Kevin Warsh...
Warsh: The whip of the bps, baby!
Powell: ...and if Kevin Warsh wants more -bps, we should probably give him more -bps!
Warsh: Say it, baby!
Powell: And Neel, you are right...I am being dovish. But the last time I checked, we don't have a whole lot of Dot Plots that feature the -bps.
Warsh: I gotta have more -bps, baby!
Powell: And I'd be doing our country a disservice and every member of this FÖMC, if I didn't cut the HELL out of this interest rate!
Warsh: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription...is more -bps!
Powell: Thank you Kevin. But I think if...I think if I just leave...and maybe I'll come back later and we can vote later [starts to leave conference room]
Warsh: Aww, c'mon baby...
Kashkari: Jerome, wait! Why don't you cut that interest rate right now. With us. Together.
Jerome: Do you mean that, Neel?
Kashkari: Oh, yeah.
Volcker: He speaks for all of us.
Powell: Thank you.
Warsh: Babies...before we're done here...y'all be speaking gold-plated jawboning.
Volcker: What does that mean?
Warsh: Never question Kevin Warsh! Vote!
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